Distracted

Fear Anger Lonely

What kept me today from opening my Bible or turning to today’s reading in my favorite daily devotional, Jesus Calling, or checking in with myself and with God by writing in my journal (the place where I most often hear what is going on inside me, where I write my prayers to God, and where I write down what I hear Him saying to me)?

What makes it so much easier to look at my phone?  Check headlines on my computer?  Check my email?  Update a Facebook status?  Read a twitter feed?  Or check off the next item on my to-do list?

I think it’s because I am afraid. 

Afraid after admitting I am in want and in need, that God won’t meet my needs.  Afraid after I bring my neediness to God that I will still be lonely.  Afraid I will still be hurting. Afraid I will still be sad.  Afraid that I will still be . . . afraid. 

If I knew every time I turned to God to meet me, hear me, speak to me, answer me, comfort me, or touch me, that He would -- I don’t believe I would hesitate to employ the disciplines of prayer, meditation, or devotional reading that can be ways of stopping long enough for these relational connections to happen. 

Truth is, I will seek out and find whatever or whoever I ultimately believe will meet my needs.  Which is what I did this morning.

Turning to God with the expectation that He meet me in my turning creates fear because it requires risk.  Risk?  Yes.  

What if God doesn’t meet me the way I want Him to, expect Him to, or even believe I need Him to?  What if God cannot be controlled or manipulated  . . . and what if He doesn’t change my circumstances?  What if He doesn’t change the way my child is acting?  What if He doesn’t change the way my spouse is acting towards me?  What if all He does is listen to me and tell me He will never leave me or forsake me?  What if all He does is tell me He loves me and He cares?  What if all He does is delight in my need of Him?  What if He just stands there!

What if He doesn’t give in to my demand for some measure of relief so I don’t have to be lonely, afraid, hurt, or sad?  What if all He gives me is Himself?  And what if that’s not enough?  And what if that’s not what I think I need. 

The answer is an easy one.  I will do whatever I ultimately believe will meet my needs.  If I believe what I need is relief, then that’s where I will turn.  Which is why I will look to my phone.  I will check the headlines on my computer.  I will check my email.  I will update my Facebook status.  I will check a twitter feed. Or I will check off the next item on my to-do list.  All of those things guarantee me (without risk) what I most want. 

For a minute or five or thirty minutes I get what I most want:  by way of the magic of distraction, I get relief. 

Yes, I will do whatever I ultimately believe will meet my needs.  Which is what I did this morning.  Now how do I stay distracted so I don’t have to face life on life’s terms . . . so I don’t have to need God . . . so I won’t have to wake up tomorrow morning still in need?

I think I will start by admitting to God just how afraid I am that He won’t be enough for me and how often I choose the predictable power of relief over the vulnerable possibility and promise of His presence.

Awake

Glad.  Fear.  Lonely.  Shame.  

I had extensive sinus surgery last week.  Before the surgery the ear/nose/throat specialist warned me that the recovery would be pretty miserable.  She was not exaggerating but she left me with a promise, “A week from now after we are able to remove the plastic splints that will be left in your sinuses after the surgery, you will feel much better.”

I have been miserable.  It’s Sunday night and I go in tomorrow morning to have the doctor take out these stiff plastic straw-like splints that I can see poking out of my nostrils and can feel touching the back of my brain.  As I look back over the past week, I am struck by the survival techniques I instinctively reached for to endure it. 

Medication.  Sleep.  Distraction.  News.  Election politics.  More sleep.  I look at the clock and three hours have passed.  I wake up in the morning and I am another day closer to this long week being over.

I have been too weak to work.  I have felt too much pain to read.  I’ve been too uncomfortable to talk to any friends.  Last night I kept thinking, “I just need some ice-cream!”  But then realized that even a food treat would not take away my misery since I would not be able to taste it. 

Seven nights and eight days.  Then six nights.  Then five.  Then four.  If there had been a way for me to stay asleep from last Monday until tomorrow morning, I would have chosen it.

How much of my life have I lived this way?   Distracted.  Medicated.  Entertained.  Busy.  Numbed.  Asleep with my eyes open.

Life is hard.  Marriage is hard.  Parenting is harder.  Health is failing.  Friendships are elusive.  So we reflexively reach for survival tools to get through life without having to fully feel it.  We survive but we don’t live.  

Seven years ago I was thriving externally but dying on the inside.  I wasn’t enough for my wife.  I wasn’t enough for my kids.  I wasn’t enough for the church I was pastoring that was doubling in size every year.  I buried my dad and my oldest sister.  Multiple failed adoptions that felt like miscarriages.  A best friend and partner went emotionally AWOL.  And I could not work hard enough to make the hurt, loneliness, sadness, shame, guilt, and fear go away.   I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.  

Today I am thanking God for men who helped me begin to face life on life’s terms.  Two men who woke me up . . . not to deny the voice of my heart but instead awaken to it . . . to counter-intuitively move deeper in the direction of the pain I had been working so feverishly to avoid or deny . . . seeing more which meant feeling more which meant needing more.  

Surrendered.  Crying out.

• Sadness offered the gift of acceptance.  
• Fear offered the gift of faith.  
• Loneliness offered the gift of into-me-see.   
• Hurt offered the gift of healing.
• Shame offered the gift of humility.  
• Guilt offered the gift of forgiveness and freedom.  

Resisting LOVE and the power of small

Sad Lonely Afraid Angry Glad

I was leading one of my men’s small groups yesterday and several of the guys were talking about the tenderness of God’s loving pursuit in their lives.  There were some tears in the sharing and much gratitude for how God was using the men in the group to help them not just “know” but to actually experience the love of Christ.

I desire to be loved but I resist it.  I resist it because the experience of being loved requires surrender.  It’s painful.  When someone tells me they love me my first response is one of two polar extremes, both of which are forms of refusal.  I don’t believe them because the tape plays that if they really knew me they wouldn’t love me . . . so their love for me is based upon ignorance.  Or I don’t believe them because I’m confident they love me because of what I’m able to do for them to merit their expression of love . . . so their love for me is based upon my performance. 

Either way, I’m refusing the pain of surrender in exchange for the perceived security of control.  If I can decide what is and is not lovable about me, I’m in control.  If I can do enough to earn your love for me, I’m in control.

The most powerful force on the planet is love.  In its purest form (where I’m both known and loved), love is also the most resisted force even while it is the most desired.

Last night my best friend loaded up his family in a min-van to leave for a year of training in the Lower 48.  As I stood there about to say goodbye, I felt a tidal wave of emotion from somewhere deep inside me rush up my throat and explode out of my eyes.  I didn't fight it or hold it in check.  I held my good friend and wept into his shoulder . . . shaking.  I was so sad.  It hurt.  If I didn't love this friend it would not have hurt like this and it would not have been so sad.  On my drive home, I realized there was a ton of gratefulness in my tears.  This was a friend who God has been using to wear down my resistance to being loved.

Prior to the  group meeting earlier in the day yesterday, some of the guys were discussing some of what is happening here in Alaska and around the world through what God has called me to.  One of the guys said, “This is so BIG.”  As I heard these words, I looked out of the corner of my eye to the whiteboard in my office that listed the names of the 50 men currently being discipled here in Anchorage and I said, “Yes, it’s big. But it happens one man at a time! And that’s how Jesus did it.  It’s BIG, but at the same time, it’s really SMALL.”

A small army of men and women partner financially with me too allow us to take the LOVE of Jesus Christ to men, women, and children here in the United States and around the world.  While our influence together stays SMALL (one person at a time), the scope of where this is taking us is BIG – even mind-boggling.  And while our work together here in Alaska, the Lower 48, or in far off countries happens one man and one woman at a time (SMALL), to that particular man or that particular woman, that’s BIG!

The men in my small groups and the friend I said goodbye to last night are being used by God to change me (SMALL).  From my perspective this morning, that's BIG.

Why I Like Craig Barnes

Glad Lonely Anger 

This is some of why I'm reading everything I can get my hands on by Craig Barnes:

"To live with absence in the midst of our gardens means that the deep yearnings of the spirit are part of what makes us human.  Most important, our need always provides the opportunity to renew our dependency on the grace of God. What we call need or 'defect' can become our greatest altar of worship."

"Of course, to be in the hands of the Creator is rather frightening.  Who knows what He will do?  To be dependent upon Him for the creation of our life is never a passive process. To receive His grace means we will spend most of our days struggling with God and agonizing over His intentions as well as rejoicing over the good creation as it takes shape.  Thus, the confession what we are unable to get the life of our dreams is the first step toward authentic spirituality. As it places us in the position of dependency upon the grace of God, it guides the rest of our steps into spirituality as well."

"There is no one for whom God's refusal to be captured by His creation is more intolerable than those who think of themselves as religious."

"We cannot be dependent upon God yet capture Him through spiritual disciplines. What we can do is look to the thirst of life as a humbling opportunity to worship God, who alone has the waters of eternal life both for us and for the anxious world around us."

"Undertaking Christian discipleship is not a way of getting life right. It is a way of confessing our inability to ever get it right, and that without the grace of God in Jesus Christ we would have no hope of leading meaningful lives."

"Doubt is not the enemy of faith, but its constant companion.  The great biblical models of faith all had doubts about God's goodness. These doubts never betrayed a lack of faith. Actually, these men and women's faith in God's goodness was so strong that it had to take seriously the questions that seriously challenged God's character.  If there had been no faith there would have been no struggle, only the nihilistic resignation of 'so it goes.' Faith is the prize of those who pass through deep waters and strain for a deeper understanding of their God."

You can find "Yearning: Living Between How It Is And How It Ought To Be" here on Amazon.com for almost the price of shipping.  

50th Birthday. Best Gift I've Ever Received.

Glad Sad Lonely

When my dad died I don’t remember shedding many deep tears.  By deep tears, I mean those tears that feel like they start in your toes and seem to gather with them every part of your gut and your chest before eventually pouring themselves out like buckets of water falling from your eyes -- those kinds of tears.

When my dad died, I was sad.  But mostly sad for what never was and what I would never have. I only knew the absence of my dad, so in his death, I could only grieve the loss of a presence I never knew (and could only imagine).  I remember an odd feeling of relief when he died that there was a finality to the decades of pretending, excusing, hoping, imagining, longing, denying, and wishing. 

I’ve been to my share of funerals, and what I know is that you can’t stand there staring at a dead body forever, wishing life would once again animate what is now a lifeless shell that once carried around who they were.  You close the casket, lower it in the ground, cover it with six feet of dirt, and keep living.

That’s what happened when my dad died.  Except for me, his physical death merely marked the end of four decades of standing over a dead corpse wanting in vain for it to live.  My dad passed away when I was in my 40’s, but he mostly died when I was only three years old. 

I got letter from one of my kids for my 50^th birthday (he shares about the writing of it in his blog:  http://jayschulte.blogspot.com/).  I wept uncontrollably when I read the letter he wrote to me.  Deep tears of gratefulness . . . as deep as I think I’ve ever cried.  

“My son will grieve when I'm gone,” I thought.  “Not the grief of what he never had . . . but a deep sadness that honors the loss of something very valuable that he HAD and from that day forward will miss . . . even as the gift that is our relationship stays with him long after I’m gone.”  

Nothing I've done in this life will be as eternally significant as the giving and sharing of my heart with my kids.  NOTHING.  I've known this in my head since becoming a dad 21 years ago.  But I knew it deep in my heart on the occasion of my 50th.

"Bring me the books, especially the parchments . . ."

Glad Sad Lonely

If I died today, I’m not sure where my body would be buried. 

When I bought a house on Studer Rd. in Little Rock, I said to my friends, “You can bury me in the front yard because I don’t plan to go anywhere.”  When I moved to Nashville fifteen years ago and bought a house in Hidden Valley I said to my friends, “You can bury me in the back yard (I liked the back yard of this house better than the front) because I don’t plan to go anywhere!”   I live in Alaska now and I have NOT and will NOT make that statement again. 

Six years ago, a mentor said to me, “Jeff, you’ve been looking for home your whole life.”  When I told Al Henson I felt “homeless” he said, “You’ve tried your best to make something here on Earth feel like home, but Jesus is your home.”

There is much I’d like to blog about this topic. In fact, my heart and mind are boiling with thoughts as I write this.  But today, I want to introduce you to my new favorite author:  M. Craig Barnes.

Before our big move to Alaska, I gave away 1/3 of my pastoral library – hundreds of books piled to the ceiling of the entire back of my 1994 red Toyota 4Runner.  If I had to cull my books again (and I likely will), there are only a few I’d not want to part with.  Included in that number would be my collection of Craig Barnes.

The following is the first couple paragraphs from Searching for Home: Spirituality for Restless Souls.  

"The sun was shining hard on my father’s coffin as it lay perched above the hole in the ground where he would finally stay put.

We were standing in one of those stark cemeteries that don’t have any trees.  The grave markers were tarnished little plaques that lie low on their backs just below the grass line, so it wouldn’t be hard for the guys who mow the brown lawn. Dad had spent most of his life in the shadows, so I knew he would hate this place and be eager to join those hiding under the ground, protected from the revealing light.

He spent the first part of his life trying to be at home in the respectable places.  Not only was he the head of our home, but he was the head of our home church, serving as the pastor.  But failing at all of that, he left when I was a teenager. For almost thirty years I never knew where he was as he abandoned all who loved him.  He abandoned every notion of home to roam about as a tourist through life.  He died alone on Thanksgiving 2000.  At the time he was living in a raggedy Airstream camping trailer parked at the “Mobile Home Village” somewhere in the middle of Florida.  We buried him a few miles down the road.

If it were up to him, and for the first time it wasn’t, he wouldn’t have shown up for his funeral. But there he was. So dead, and yet finally so present.  It was the one last pathetic irony in the life of a father known mostly through absence. 

I was never sure about where home was for my dad, but I knew this wasn’t it.  Burying him 'a few miles down the road' may have been the perfect symbol of his meandering life, but it was still a lonely one. We imagine that our loved ones will one day be placed under a large oak tree on a grassy knoll not far from the family homestead.  That way even their graves will tether us to the home where our souls are always nurtured and our identities renewed.  But my father is now resting near the highway somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

Standing beside that barren grave, watching the dry wind toy with a piece of litter along the road, I wondered if this was the identity to which I was tethered.  I had never thought about home much before that afternoon, but since then it’s been my great passion.  What is home?  Where is mine? And how do we conduct lives that amount to something more than getting a few miles down the road to nowhere special?"

Growth

Glad Angry (passion) Lonely


A year ago Interlinc called and asked if they could interview my oldest son Jay for a ConGRADulations DVD they were creating to give High School students across the country as a graduation gift.


When Jay did this short interview (a cheap camera sitting on a table with one take for each question) none of us had any idea what the next twelve months of his life would look like. 


I remember thinking as I watched him answer these questions, "Where did this kid come from?  How did my boy become such a man?  When did that happen?" 


They say in Alaska that there are four seasons:  winter, winter, winter, and winter.  


That's really not true.  There are two seasons.  Summer -- about 3 months.  And winter -- nine months.  Fall lasts about a week and Spring lasts about a week.  They happen so fast you can't even call them a season.  


In one week the trees can be full of leaves and a week later they are bare.  In the Spring when the trees start budding, they go from bare to fully leafed out in a week as well. 


When I lived in Tennessee, Fall lasted from September till November (3 months) and the Spring lasted from late February until May (3 months). 


Life is like that I think.  Sometimes growth is so slow we barely notice it's happening. Sometimes it happens so fast, we can't catch our breath.  


Here is the interview with my then Senior in High School giving himself good advice he'd need to hear a year later . . . now a freshman in college.  


God doing for Jay what Jay could not do for himself. 


http://www.interlinc-online.com/news/article_784.html

GROWTH.

Home Alone

Lonely Sad Glad Fear

In addition to my normal work and life schedule, in the past two months I have:

• Sent my oldest son off to college in New Hampshire.
• Put my oldest daughter on a plane for a semester in England.
• Flown to the Philippines for 12 days to train, equip, and encourage the Compassion International Filipino staff and 700 Palawan pastors.
• Recovered from a 4 week illness (a parting gift from the Philippines) that shed almost 20 pounds from a frame that can’t afford to lose that much weight.
• Preached messages in 9 church services in the USA.
• Spoken at a men’s outreach based upon the movie Courageous and facilitated the four week follow-up.
• Undergone an endoscopy (camera down my throat into as far as the camera would go) for a still undiagnosed illness.
• Planned and hosted a dinner/auction to raise funding for what I do with Sage Hill (a 501c3 non-profit).
• Video taped 4 ½ hours of Sage Hill content for a Men’s Fraternity (men’s curriculum) remix.
• Led a weekend retreat for a “who’s who” of young leaders in a L48 city.
• Attended two board meetings in the L48.
• Met with influential leaders from a country where living out your faith in Christ can be a life and death proposition to plan my next trip to their country in January.

As I write this I am about to board a flight home (at least headed that direction) after two days of airline mechanical failure and weather delays.  (It’s gonna take three different airlines to get me home and I haven’t seen my luggage in 48 hrs).

When I see this on paper it looks crazy. 

Rather than write about the insanity that was behind this, I'm contemplating the impact of it.

I’m lonely for me.

These past eight weeks have been about survival . . . in my mind pushing into and out of each opportunity or challenge (mostly good stuff) knowing that I’d have a couple days coming at Thanksgiving to get my breath and recharge my batteries.

That’s how I used to live when my life was out of control. Pushing and pressing through life like a camel surviving the desert until the next oasis.  But it’s not how I’ve lived, or learned to live, for the past six years. 

I’ll always work hard, but this isn’t about working hard.  It’s about having myself and being myself in the work vs. riding myself like a beast of burden to get the work done . . . not being human . . . not acknowledging the neediness of my humanity and my hunger for relationships that feed my soul.  My relationship with me.  My relationship with God. My relationship with my family.  My relationship with a few friends.

My 17 and 14 year old daughters saw it.  They attributed it to me being sick for a month.  “Daddy, you’ve not been yourself.”  But it wasn’t my digestive system that was sick, it was my heart.

As I think about going home today, I’m mostly thinking about “going home.”  Brenda misses me.  My kids miss me.  I’ve got a few friends who miss me.  Again, not because I’ve been traveling some, but because I’ve not been “home” in my own heart for awhile.  Going home today means going home to me first.

And if I’m not at home (pre-occupied, distracted, motor running, surviving, getting it done, checking the box, mentally in the future and emotionally not present), it doesn’t matter if I’m sleeping in my own bed in my own house in physical proximity to my family and friends, I’m still not home.  

If I’m running so fast and so far ahead of myself . . . if I’m not paying attention to my life and the living of my life . . . if my life is in the doing more than in the being . . . if I’m not answering God’s question, “Jeff where are you?”  I’m not here. 

No wonder my wife is lonely for me. My kids are lonely for me.  My friends have told me they are lonely for me.  If I don’t have me, they don’t get me because I can’t give what I don’t have.

Get you.  Have you. Give you.

I’m going home today.  Then I’ll go home.