Glad Sad Lonely
When I dropped Jay off at the airport a couple weeks ago I held him, cried, prayed for him, and sang a blessing over him. I saw the sadness in his eyes. Even some fear as he held Brenda for what seemed like forever (not long enough for Brenda I'm sure) and prepared to leave.
But then as he turned to walk away, I saw something else. I saw a smile break over his face and a light come on in his eyes that seemed to say that even in the sadness of leaving family, he knew he was walking into the adventure that is "his" life. Always our son -- but now more than ever -- his own man.
He checked three carefully packed suitcases and a box, yet MOST of what he needed he took INSIDE of him. When he got to Dartmouth 16 hours later, I got a text from him: "I'm home."
I've been tempted to share Jay's blog several times this summer but didn't want everything I blog about to be what's going on with sending Jay off to school -- even though that's taken up a huge part of my thoughts in the past couple of months. I just read his most recent post and want to share it with you.
I'm 49 years old and still learning what he writes about here. Glad I'm learning this. Sad I'm still having to learn this. Fear I'll spend the rest of my life learning it.
I am sitting in my dorm room with the window open, listening to the sound of the wind rustling the trees and the occasional door shutting or brief conversation from my classmates outside. It has been two weeks. A lot can happen in two weeks.
I have met hundreds of DIVERSE people from around the world, spent hours with some of the coolest people I've ever met. It is to the point that i know people better than I know their names. My mind has been flooded and I have been back peddling to catch up, spinning out of control. But in the midst of this, my resolve on one thing has become concrete, no, granite.
Before I was even born, it was His plan that I end up here.
Dartmouth was my fourth choice. I felt a deep loss when I finally committed, a deep seated failure...I looked out at my future and saw only fog. I could not see beyond the next thing, nor was I capable of understanding what exactly God had for me. Since the day I got here, he has done nothing but confirm that this is where I was born to be, that it was divine intervention that landed me here instead of somewhere else.
Like most freshmen on any school campus, loneliness is my most present companion. I am reminded of treasured friends from home often on my daily routine. In the distance that separates me from those I love, my life has become my own, not my parents, and in that, it has become fully His. I know what I want out of college, and I know what I want out of life. I have become resolute. Firm. Resolved.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Cor. 13:12